Category: Parent Talk
Pick up the baby when it cries, despite finding nothing amiss? That's the subject of my question. Example, a parent puts the baby down, and it begins to cry, does one pick up the now crying baby? To me, this question could be asked another way, and I wonder if your answer changes. Do parents teach and or, reinforce manipulative behaviors? I for one think that in more cases than a parent would like to admit, they do reinforce manipulation, i.e. they are allowing themselves to be manipulated. As the child grows does it not learn that if it cries enough it will get what it wants? How many of us have seen the classic case of the child and parent in the store when the child throws a screaming and crying fit because it doesn't get what it wants. And how many times have we seen the parents give in to the child's demands by giving the child just what it wants to keep it quiet. Where does the child learn that if it cries it can get what it wants? How many times have we heard that discipline goes hand in hand with consistency. If that is the case, then is it not true that consistently picking up the child when it cries only reinforces or teaches the child that if I cry then I get what I want? If you agree with that, then you agree with the idea that parents teach or reinforce manipulative behaviors.
Parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, weigh in on the question please.
It's a balancing act. Consistency cuts both ways.
If you consistently neglect the child he/she will learn that his parents won't help him/her unless they make such a nuisance of themselves that they can't be ignored. Believe me, they can get your attention no matter how "strong" you are.
Why not mix consistency with love. Sometimes they just want to be held, and you just want to hold them; so go ahead, you won't spoil the brat. <lol>
Bob
Agreed with Bob for the most part. We're consistently told to hold and pamper our baby as much as we can in the first months bedcauseit builds emotional attachment and also it just feels plain wrong, not to mention noisy, to not respond to his crying. I read that after 4 months or so babies will start to learn about consequences and consequence of their action i.e. link between crying and being picked up, but until then they operate much more on instinct. Of course ours is just over a month old and he's our first so we may not have the right solution but we try to be consistent, not pick him up after 10 seconds of crying but also not eave him crying for minutes. I think consistency and predictability builds trust and that's a very important starting point, how we'll deal with the actual upbringing can be left for a nother couple of months.
cheers
-B
Babies cries' are different. They have a cry for when they're hungry, need to be burped, are tired and want to go to sleep, are uncomfortable (too hot, too cold, or need a diaper change, for example), and so on. The key is understanding your baby's cries so you can tend to his/her needs. I don't think it has anything to do with manipulation.
OK, I'm not totally crazy, so click here and read about Dunstan Baby Language. I've already listened to the DVD. Thank goodness for torrents, LOL.
Maybe this will paint a clear picture for you, Nem.
-- Allie
This question brings to mind the baby homes in Russia. There, the babies never cry, not when they're tired, hungry, wet, cold, hot, thirsty or sick. Does that mean they are good children? Or does it just mean that they have learned futility at a young age? As said before, this is a balancing act. If you never pick your baby up when it cries, it will learn futility. Babies are given a cry for a reason' it's a survival instinct. Yes, some babies become chronic criers, but not all. As Allie said, it's about understanding your baby. There's nothing wrong with picking them up and checking they're Ok. if you're satisfied that they're fine, and don't want to pick them up, then a little bit of crying will do them no harm at all.
In about the first 4 months the baby is crying is instinctual and because it needs something. Sure if you're in the kitching and you're washing dishes and baby starts crying you can talk to baby from there and dry hands and get to him her in about 30 seconds to a minute and that's fine. The parent's you seen in the stores if we're talking about the same ones just do not know how to control their kids. I'm not saying every kid who cries over what he doesn't get is out of control. I think we all can tell where the problem lies watching the interaction between parent and children.
I'll try the Dunston's baby language thing one day. I saw her on the Oprah show. That was so cool.
There is the issue of going to far too. My nephew was so held and pampered that at 7 months old he couldn't even hold his own raddle, and wasn't even attempting to sit up...That is doing more harm than good to a baby. Again, like others have said, it's balancing, and making sure that they get plenty of everything.
Ok, first of all, what you are talking about is trust vs mistrust. If you want to use Erik Erikson's stages you need to select the right one. Let's see, there are eight, Trust vs mistrust, Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt, Initiative vs Guilt, Industry vs Infiriority, Identity vs Role Confusion, Intimacy vs Isolation, Generativity vs Stagnation, and Integrety vs Despair. Trust vs Mistrust is the stage in which infants learn about how and if others will care for them and this is the stage you are refering to. Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt is the chrisus of two-year-olds who's favorit word is "no". Then they enter Initiative vs Guilt in which their favorite word switches from "No" to "Why" at three years of age. Industry vs Infiriority occurs with children once they enter school and addresses the natural competition and pressure to perform certain age-appropriate compatencies. Identity vs Role Confusion is the stage of preteens and teenagers in which they experience an identity chrisus while finding out who they truly are. Then you have Intimacy vs Isolation which is from the twenties to the mid to late thirties in which people develop, or not, meaningful relationships with sexual partners, as well as working relationships with colleagues and lose or maintain friendships. Generativity vs Stagnation is the stage in which many people have their mid life crisusies. The final stage or chrisus, all of Erikson's stages are chrisusies which must be resolved, is that of Integrety vs Despair. This stage deals with self reflection and dying. If you are going to use psychosocial termonology, please do so properly to avoid confusion. To the actual question posed: I agree that it is very much a balancing act. But attentive, well educated (by this I mean not that they have attended college, but that they have read books, attended parenting classes, had experience caring for children, etc) and observant parents will learn the difference between different cries and will through being able to read their children keep them from being either spoiled or neglected. Babies absolutely have different cries for fear, pain, mild discomfort, lonelyness and just plain fussyness. I do not think that holding a child and checking it when it cries will lead to a manipulative child in the least.
Persilla Dunston will be on the Oprah Show tomorrow, if anyone is interested in seeing her study of infants from zero to three months of age. It's quite fascinating. actually, it's a rerun of the time she was on, but nevertheless, I will be watching.
Thanks. I caught that post too late, but I'm looking for a download of the epesode. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
My thoughts... Here goes...
Well, before anyone freaks out about neglect and child abuse and blah, blah, blah, let me just tell you that letting a baby cry it out after his needs have been met worked for us. i sometimes let my son cry it out. I always made sure his needs were met first: fed, burped, diaper changed, cuddled and warm. He would sometimes cry for just a few minutes, sometimes ten or fifteen. But more often than not, he would fall asleep on his own after those crying jags. You will read in articles and books that some young babies get over tired, and/or over-stimulated. I now can put him to bed after he's eaten, burped and his diaper's been changed, and he will play quietly in his bed and eventually go back to bed at night. During the day, i'm not so quick to put him back to bed after his needs have been met. We cuddle, play with toys, sing, read books, stuff like that. I originfelt terrible for it, until i saw the results. he's a trusting, happy little guy, and we no longer have a struggle at 3 am when he constantly cries for no reason. I think we had a fussy baby, and it was very easy for him to get over-taxed. Some people may not agree with me. They may even call me a terrible, neglectful parent, but so be it. I have a happier child who can entertain himself, and doesn't even want to be held all the time.FF